How to Safely Take a Dump in the Zombie Apocalypse

In the midst of slaying hundreds, perhaps thousands, of blood thirsty decaying humans, you might have a bowel movement. After all, it’s a natural response to defecate on yourself when you are frightened. This may have been helpful in the natural world to ward off predators, but in the zombie apocalypse it will only draw the deceased to you. Some people will have you think that in the zombie apocalypse there will be plenty of opportunities to get the crap scared out of you, this is not true.

Of course, you could always hold it in for as long as possible until pass it naturally or until you die. In that case your body becomes a bubbling butt bomb, exploding upon death – after all, it’s common knowledge that your insides release when you die. This can make it hard for the other survivors to scavenge your body for anything useful like ammo. Here are some pointers to safely go to the bathroom in the zombie apocalypse. 

You must never let yourself get swayed by the porcelain throne and the promise of a comfortable poop - the conventional bathroom is a death trap with only one way out, death! Instead, try a more natural method and poop in the woods or a field. Anywhere that you can see more than 500 ft. in all directions is a good place to squat. 

Make sure you have a sentry on post while you do your business and always take your weapon with you. There is no larger shame than being eaten alive while you make your Hershey kisses. A sentry will be able to spot danger and help you if a resourceful zombie decides to have chocolate with his meal.

Have you ever been camping and forgot the toilet paper? Toilet paper is too menial of an item to risk your life to get, but too important to pass up when preparing. People will literally trade you the shirt off their backs for that stuff, which they would have used anyways.

If you are an extremely skilled zombie fighter, then you might have the opportunity to pass your food. Holding it in will make you lose focus and possibly die in a stressful situation. The human body can hold onto waste for up to a month or longer. So if you have made it to your first zombie safety poop dilemma, pat yourself on the back!

Leave a comment below and tell us how you would take a dump in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. We will randomly pick one lucky winner from the list of people who left a comment below. If you haven’t seen the shirt please go to our website. Good Luck!